A Whole Lotta Meg
by Sara Jaye
Summary: A series of unrelated Meg-centric drabbles, because I'm weird and think she is awesome. A lot of meta-references, lampshade hanging, TV Tropes buzzwords and other insanities within.
1. Blast from the Past

One day out of the blue, Kevin Swanson came back to town. See, he'd gone away on a bus to an out of state college for a few years and was blissfully unaware of any changes that had gone down in Quahog during that time.

Namely, the fact that Meg, once an object of his affections, was now the towns...how shall we say it, Butt Monkey. Pariah. A living joke. Not knowing this, he asked her out in public.

"Oh my God! Kevin, have you gone blind?!" Lois screeched. "I know Meg's my daughter and I'm obligated to love her, but she's an eyesore! Look at how fat and ugly and gross she is!"

"Yeah, really, you sure you'd rather not just become a homosexual? You know, just to have an excuse to stay away from her?" Stewie ventured. Brian flashed him a knowing smirk before joining the fray.

"And she's crazy, man, I defended her once and she ended up trying to rape me in a hotel, seriously," he said."

"You could do _soooo_ much better!" Connie D'amico added, flaunting her irritatingly perfect figure at him. "Like me, for example."

Kevin rolled his eyes and threw an arm around Meg, who looked like she wanted to die of humiliation and self-hatred.

"I'd rather have an awkward pudgy girl with glasses than a blonde anorexic whore who masturbates to _Angry Video Game Nerd_ episodes!" he snapped. Connie gave a scandalized gasp.

"Who told you?!"

"Dad's police cameras. He got bored one night," Kevin said. Peter burst out laughing.

"Oh man...I was all ready to say somethin' nasty about Meg, but jeez! _Angry Video Game Nerd_, Connie? You might as well masturbate to...y'know, Mort Goldman's pictures or the video games themselves, or something of equal or lesser unsexiness!"

"Oh God, that is the most fucked up thing I ever heard!" Lois howled. "I'm glad Meg's my daughter after all, even if she's not pretty at least her sexual fetishes are normal!"

"The Angry Video Game Nerd's obsessed with poop!" Chris laughed. "Maybe Connie's that way too!"

"We already know she's a pedophile," Stewie said. "Maybe she got angry because I didn't crap on her while we were making out!"

"Hahahaha, maybe she'd like to roll around in Mayor West's yard where I've been-uh, I mean, where other dogs do their business!" Brian said, almost giving away the fact that he _hadn't_ been using the toilet like he told Lois.

"What? You mean...my sausage seeds haven't been growing at all?" Mayor West narrowed his eyes. "It must be the fault of those other dogs!"

Connie was in tears now as the people's ridicule was redirected at her. In all her years she never imagined humiliation could feel this bad...even the time Brian laid into her at the prom hadn't stung this badly. Suddenly, she began to regret ever having targetted Meg in the first place.

Almost.

"Fuck you, Meg!" she screamed. "I'm going to turn the tables back on you somehow...did everyone know that Meg wears granny panties?"

"Oh no you don't, Connie. No one cares about my fat girl underwear anymore!" Meg taunted. "So tell me, when you're fantasizing about the Nerd, does he talk about buffalo diarrhea dumps as he's nailing you? Does it get you _hot_?"

"Stop it! Kevin, this is your fault! If you hadn't come back to town Meg would still be the Butt Monkey my secret would remain a secret!" Connie wailed. "And come on, the Nerd is almost exactly like Peter Griffin and you people don't give Lois any crap!"

Lois grabbed Connie by the collar and lifted her off the ground.

"Don't you _ever_ compare my idiot husband to some internet loser again, bitch, or I'll get Quagmire to rape you again!"

"Hey, you could get me to do it anyway! Aw-right!"

Despite everything, Meg couldn't help feeling a little sorry for Connie. No one deserved to be an object of ridicule and besides, the Angry Video Game Nerd wasn't _that_ bad.

Then again, she had been tormenting Meg all throughout high school, so it was only fair.

And besides, the Nostalgia Critic was hotter anyway.

Smiling, she took Kevin's hand and they walked off into the sunset as the insanity continued behind them.

"So...what else have I missed in the past few years?" Kevin asked.

"Oh, where do I begin," Meg laughed. "Well, there was the time my dad bought a tank and it ended up destroying Superstore USA..."

_Disclaimer: The events of this story are 100% not canon and not likely to ever be canon. No Nerds or Critics were harmed during the writing of this fic. Character bashing in fics is bad writing. Mayor West is a nutjob._


	2. No Butts About It!

His eyes settled on the protruding swell of flesh before him, and his nonexistent mouth watered.

"That's some _real primeness_ there!" Slowly, he brought his hand down and patted the unsuspecting girl swiftly on the butt.

*

Meg Griffin blinked.

"Kevin? Did...you just touch my butt?"

"No, both my hands are holding my Science book," her study date said. "Why?"

"Maybe it's my imagination but I could've sworn someone just...patted me on the butt." Meg frowned. "God, I hope Neil Goldman didn't sneak into the house while my parents are out!"

"Or Quagmire."

The duo resumed studying, but less than a minute later Kevin felt the same invisible hand on his ass. And heard a distorted chuckle.

"Okay, I _know_ that wasn't you. What's going on here?"

"Don't be scared, kiddies! I's just makin' sure ya get yer daily regiment o' butt-patts!"

They turned around to see a skinny man in a green bodysuit. His eyes were creepy and vacant and he wore a tacky plastic medallion with a giant "Z" embalonzed on the front. Even creepier was the fact that he lacked a visible mouth or nose.

"Who the hell are you?!" Meg shouted. "No, nevermind, what the hell were you doing touching our butts?!"

"You better have a good story, asshole, my dad's a cop!" Kevin added.

"The name's Coach Z! I'm yer friendly neighborhood butt-patt monitor!"

They waited for him to give a better explanation. When he didn't, they proceeded to beat the shit out of him. Coach Z stumbled back to Free Country USA, hopefully a little wiser.


	3. That's Impossible

By a strange twist of fate, Meg and Connie had become...well, not friends, but more tolerant of each other than before. Being science partners probably had something to do with it.

Unfortunately, Connie held a grudge against one Stewart Gilligan Griffin. She'd figured out he'd both been her onetime love interest Zach Sawyer and the baby who'd gotten her arrested for pedophilia. So spending time at Meg's place gave her the chance to gather dirt on Stewie and...well, either humiliate him or get him arrested and put in a crazy house. Whichever came first.

"I swear to God, you guys," she told her friends, "Meg Griffin's little brother is not only an evil overlord wannabe, but he's got a boner for the family dog!"

Meg just happened to be walking by at the time and was genuinely shocked.

"That's impossible!" she said. "Stewie's just a baby, he can't even put his own shoes on yet without help."

"Oh, Meg, are you and your family that naive?" Connie laughed. "Do all the death threats and gay comments he makes go right over your heads?"

"The gay comments are just to screw with Brian's head, those two are always picking on each other," Meg said. "As for the evil...sure, we hear what he says! We just don't take it seriously, it's not like he can-"

The closet of weapons, the time the weather went crazy, Chris's strange helmet, asking Santa for plutonium.

She shook her head.

"I think you're just imagining things, Connie."

"Well, I'd keep a closer eye on that kid if I were you," Connie said. Meg only nodded, actually feeling more than a little freaked out now. She made a mental note to ask Brian some questions later; he understood Stewie the most out of anyone and was therefore most likely to believe any of this in the first place.


	4. Jealous Much?

Kevin, unfortunately, inherited his father's anger issues. And one day he made the mistake of asking Meg if she'd seen anyone else since he'd been gone.

"So you mean to tell me you dated a nudist named Jeff, Craig Hoffman, Neil Goldman, Mayor West, Jake Tucker, some random guy named Doug, _Brian_, and to top it off you almost got _married?!_"

Meg sighed guiltily.

"You must think I'm a huge slut now, huh?"

"I did at first but now I just feel like beating the shit out of Craig Hoffman. You know, he's really not much of a rebel. He just thinks he is," Kevin said.

"Well, he _is_ driving a hybrid nowadays," Meg laughed. "But...wow, I can't believe you're actually that jealous!"

Kevin rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Well, I _am_ glad you didn't get married after all. Your dad may be stupid but from what he's said about that guy he wasn't good enough for you," he said.

Meg was at a loss for words, and opted for simply kissing him instead.


	5. Mistaken

The biggest drawback to having a baby sister who could be his daughter was, well, having said baby sister _mistaken_ for his daughter when they were out in public together.

"Meg, I still can't believe you _voluntarily _pretended Stewie was your kid that one time," he sighed. "Especially considering...well, _Stewie_." Meg blushed.

"The only thing I regret about that is the social worker getting involved," she said. "I know that makes me a horrible person, but I _really_ wanted that Prada bag!"

"Hey, we all do things we shouldn't be proud of," Kevin said, hoisting the drooping baby sling around his chest. "One night my roommate and I went on the internet and emailed our history professor a link. Class was cancelled because he'd stayed up all night watching Bum Reviews."

"Oh, cool!" Meg laughed. Just then, they ran into a couple random strangers. The woman among them stopped and let out a squeal at the sight of Kevin with Susie strapped to his chest.

"Oh, Henry! Look how cute, a young couple with their new baby!" Meg and Kevin both flailed internally, but the strangers were gone as soon as they'd come.

For a moment, the pair wondered what it would be like if they _did_ have kids. But Meg remembered the time she thought she'd been pregnant and the terror of babysitting Stewie. Kevin thought of how his mother had been pregnant for almost a decade before finally having her second kid.

Then, they both remembered how cliche this whole scenario was in other media forms. So they simply continued on their way to the mall.


	6. Creative Meddling

So technically this one isn't completely Meg-centric. :) But she's in it and plays a big role.

*

After the failure of HandiQuacks, Meg and Chris decided their first mistake was letting Peter take control of things. Plus, Peter had lost interest in the cartoon in favor of making a Surfin' Bird remix. Which was actually coming along pretty well. And naturally, their first step was to replace him with someone a little more witty and well-read.

"Okay, first of all I'm _really_ liking the backdrop here," Stewie said. "Nineteenth-century London complete with opium den and Jack the Ripper expy, always a classic. But I'm not quite buying the four-temperment ensemble you've got going here...Chris, did you purposely draw Sanguine with breasts? You know boys don't have them, right?"

"Sanguine's a girl, dude!" Chris said.

"Chris and I thought a group of four guys would be boring," Meg explained.

"I see..." Stewie tapped his chin thoughtfully. "But you see, this is what we call the Smurfette Principle. Three guys, only one girl...my question is, is she an action girl? If so, you risk having her fall victim to chickification when you run out of new ideas and need to resort to the old designated victim ploy," he said.

"Um...Stewie, this isn't an action adventure show," Meg said. "It's a mystery show, and the main characters are just pre-teens. They work in the office while the middle-aged detectives actually go out there and risk their lives."

"We thought it was more original than the typical child hero fare," Chris added. "And while the kids are in the office they have parties!"

"But even so, who's to say the big bad can't simply capture the girl as a hostage?" Stewie asked. "Also, if Melancholic is the smart guy of the group, then how come he's shown here, not knowing how to work the mimeograph machine? Sounds like a serious case of informed ability to me."

Meg and Chris exchanged an uneasy glance.

"The machine's broken, and even a smart guy can't know everything," Meg sighed. "Also, the bad guy isn't gonna kidnap a kid."

"But if he does we agreed it's gonna be Phlegmatic cause his parents are rich," Chris said.

"I just-I just don't know if I quite _believe_ it, something about it...doesn't hang together quite right." Stewie pointed to a picture of Choleric and Sanguine shaking hands. "A-and what's this? Ship tease? You realize what happened to Bryke of _Avatar_ fame will happen to you, right?"

"But they're just shaking hands!" Chris protested.

"I'm just sayin'. In this crazy world it pays to be genre savvy."

Meg rolled her eyes.

"Stewie, I think you've been reading too much TV Tropes," she said.

"Well, someone has to!" Stewie protested. "Now, on the bright side, you managed to avoid the idiot ball trap of poor communication kills. But do you really need to hang a lampshade on..."

As Stewie went on and on, Chris and Meg sighed. This was going to be a long afternoon.


	7. Holding Down the Fort

One day, Peter decided the adults of Quahog should stage a coup on Mayor West's office after said mayor began to waste the town's money on zombie traps. Which were really just oversized buckets he filled with mayonnaise and hung from trees.

While the adults were off having their war, they left their kids, teens and Brian in charge of the Griffin House. It would function as their base while the other houses would function as fortresses.

Meg sat amidst chaos. Well, not full-blown chaos yet, nothing was broken. But who knew how long _that_ would last?

"So..._why_ are we doing this again?" Connie asked, rolling her eyes. "Meg, sometimes I wonder if there's anything in your dad's head at all."

"Hey, something's gotta keep it from caving in," Meg sighed. "The mayor's not even spending that much...what are metal buckets and mayonnaise going for these days? Seven bucks?"

"Hey, stop making fun of Dad! Besides, Mom and Mr. Clevland are going along with it and they're smart," Chris argued.

"You know what _really_ stinks about the whole thing?" Stewie said. "I'm the only one with real military expertise. I've read blogs, books, magazines, seen every episode of MASH..."

"Right, this from a kid who can't even tie his _shoes_," Connie deadpanned. Stewie glared at her.

"Step off, queenie, you don't know who you're messin' with," he snapped. "I once manipulated the weather and indirectly caused the death of one _William Shatner!_"

"We know, kid, we've heard it all before," Kevin groaned. "Meg, wanna go make out?"

"Sure!" Meg stood up, but the two were stopped in their tracks by Brian.

"As the sole adult in this house, I declare a no hanky-panky clause," he scolded. "That means you too, Chris, stop trying to stick your hands up Connie's pajama top!"

"Eeek!" Connie screamed, having been oblivious to the grope attempt while arguing with Stewie. "God, this sucks more than the time I got my purse strings caught in a revolving door!" A beat. "Oh yeah."

"Sorry, that only works when Peter does it," Brian said, pulling Susie off of a cowering Bertram. "Neil, mind pausing the Star Trek DVDs for a minute and helping me out here?"

"For your information, this _isn't _a DVD. It's a DV-_R_, there is a big difference," Neil said. "And no, this is a very important episode and I want to see every minute of it."

"For God's sake, Goldman, you can ogle Seven of Nine's boobs later!" Kevin shouted. Meg sighed.

"Mom and Dad owe me_ big_ after this is over," she muttered. _Can't make out, can't leave the house, Stewie and Connie won't stop fighting...you'd think us kids and teens having the place to ourselves for weeks would be cooler!_


	8. How Many Times?

"So to make a long story short, the hundred and twenty-four goats will be staying with us for the week!"

Meg and Chris exchanged an uneasy glance.

"So...run that by me again? _How_ did you destroy the bacon factory with some string andn a piece of pie?" Meg asked.

"I left the pie in the middle of the floor to trick one of the factory guys, but I dropped the string and when I was bending over to pick it up someone ate the pie and I had to kick his ass," Peter said.

"Oh, and while you were fighting you crashed into a wall and the place crumbled like a cookie!" Chris laughed.

"No, one of the bacon pigs had a fight with one of the goats and they tore the place up." Peter snickered. "They're still pickin' crap outta all the trees!"

"...right. Have you by any chance told Mom about this?" Chris asked. "She's a real bitch when you do stupid crap like that."

"Not sure why, though," Meg sighed. "This is what, the three-hundredth crazy thing Dad's done?"

"Really? I thought it was more than that," Chris said.

"For both your informations, you're way off! I have the exact number written down somewhere I don't remember and there's a good chance one of the goats just ate it," Peter said. "Oh, by the way, Chris Crocker from the internet might be coming by later. Claimed one of the goats insulted Brittany Spears and he's got a bone to pick with it."

"...Chris Crocker?" Meg groaned. "Dad, how do you do it? Somehow it seems like every week you find some way to top yourself in craziness!"

"I dunno, I think the creepy brain-dead horse still tops everything," Chris said. Meg shuddered, they all still had nightmares about that damn horse.

"You've gotta tell Mom," Meg said. "She's gonna find out sooner or later and she'd probably like it better if you were upfront with her."

Peter seemed to consider this for a moment, then shook his head.

"You tell her," he said, then loudly whispered to Chris, "Lois hates her the most. She'll have to take all the blame!"

"Dad, no," Chris scolded. "Don't put Meg on the hot seat just to cover your own crazy ass. Get Stewie to do it!"

"Aww, thanks, little brother," Meg said, patting him on the shoulder. "Yeah, let Stewie do it! Mom wouldn't get mad at her precious baby!"

"Even after the time he tried to kill her?" Peter asked.

"Dad, that was a dream," the two teenagers reminded him.

As they continued to argue, Brian snuck behind them and began to free the goats, one by one.


	9. Sisters and Girlfriends

When Chris claimed his sister sucked, Anna wondered if she really was that bad (given her reputation) or if he was just being a brother complaining about his sister. She found it was entirely the latter, as they hit it off right away.

Chris didn't like this one bit. When girlfriends and sisters talked, it was usually Very Bad News for any guy. He was jealous of Kevin, whose sister wouldn't be old enough to have that kind of conversation with Meg until she was a teenager, twenty years later. He stood at the doorway, pretending to be very interested in the wall clock while he listened to Meg and Anna giggling about God knew what.

"...and then what happened?" he heard Anna ask.

"Then, Chris chased Stewie around the yard with an axe until they both passed out!" Meg laughed. "I felt bad for Stewie until I remembered the mind control helmet was his idea."

Chris cringed. He hated that memory not because he felt guilty, but because Stewie had kicked the crap out of him later that day. _Whoever said babies were innocent and weak never met **my** baby brother!_

"Poor Chris! Stewie sure sounds like a handful," Anna said sympathetically.

"Tell me about it! My friend is convinced he's pure evil and trying to take over the world, and I'm starting to wonder if she's right," Meg said. Just then, Stewie came storming into the room and glared at them.

"I hear you slatterns talking smack about me, and I will not let you get away with it!" he shouted, whipping out one of his toy ray guns. "You will _bow_ to me!"

Naturally, the toy did nothing and the girls only giggled. Stewie fumed, and Chris shook his head as the kid came storming over to him.

"You know, Chris, sometimes I think women were created solely to drive men insane. That sister of ours becomes more and more like Lois every day, and soon they'll have trained others!"

Chris shrugged.

"That's girls for ya, dude. Just watch out, cause when you get older you're gonna be dating 'em."

"Not if I can bloody help it," Stewie muttered.


	10. Double Date

A double date with Connie and Neil _seemed_ like a good idea at the time, Meg thought as the foursome sat around the den of Kevin's new apartment watching 80s movies.

Of course, at the time she'd assumed Neil had grown up a little. And that Connie was actually with him by choice and he hadn't been stalking her so much she'd agreed to go out with him just to shut him up.

"How did you put up with him, Meg? We've been together a whole two hours and I already want to kick him in the face," Connie groaned.

"Hey, no face-kicking in the new apartment," Kevin warned. "I just got the walls primed."

"Then make him stop trying to cop a feel off me!"

Meg groaned.

"Neil, if you stop molesting Connie I'll try to talk Stewie into helping you hack into that members-only Star Trek porn gallery," she said. Neil's ears perked up.

"Can you actually promise me that?"

"Yes, I'll buy Stewie a new toy or a gun or something," Meg said.

"I'll pay for half." Connie pried Neil's hands off of her breasts.

"And I'll have my dad make some adjustments and throw in free bullets," Kevin added. "Okay, Goldman? You'll get your porn so now if you could just stop being a pest we could watch the rest of _Generic 1980s Coming Of Age Story_ in peace."

"Very well." Neil smirked. "But I still get to put my arm around you, Connie, after all, you _are_ my date."

"Fine. But if your hand starts wandering again you're gonna lose it." Connie warned. Meg sighed with relief as Neil began to finally behave himself. She leaned against Kevin's shoulder and smiled, unable to help but notice that the boys in the movie reminded her an awful lot of her father and his friends.

"Holy freakin' crap! A real live stripper's club!"

Definitely a lot like them.


	11. The Game From Hell

"Oh, fuck you!" Meg threw down the controller. "Whose bright idea was it to bring this game home anyway? What's the point of even having a life bar if walking into the _door_ kills you?!"

"Gee, who'd have thought a game you found in the used bin at GameStop for fifty cents would be a piece of crap?" Stewie asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Hey, the guy at the store said it was a challenge," Meg said. "How was I supposed to know this was like the Rickroll of video games?"

"We should've looked harder for the arcade version," Chris said. "That had animation!"

"Let me give this a try." Connie picked up the controller. "Now everyone be quiet, I need to concentrate on getting past these falling spikes..."

It was like watching a horror movie, suspense and fear all balled into one as Connie maneuvered her way across the stage. _Almost, almost, the exit is just-_

"_Damn it!_" Dirk collapsed into a pile of bones, and Connie fumed. "What the fuck is _wrong_ with this game anyway, what were they _thinking?!_ Everything kills you, you're lucky if you get past the first stage in less than an hour, and that stupid life bar's a waste of graphics! I'd have more fun shoving a cactus up my ass, _sideways!_"

Meg winced.

"Think it's too late to get a refund on this piece of junk?" she asked.

"So..." Stewie flashed a toothy grin. "Guess you've finally got something in common with, mm, that Angry Video Game Nerd fellow," he drawled, "you know, foulmouthed internet celebrity, plays horrible games and curses about all the disgusting things he'd rather do than play them? Angry Video Game Nerd...say, didn't you used to mas-" He was interrupted by a smack to the face as Connie angrily shoved him off the couch.

"_Shut the fuck up, Stewie!_" A month after Meg blurted it out in front of everyone, Connie's dirty little secret had gone the way of the squid, the evil monkey in Chris's closet, the half-dead fat guy eating the dead fat guy in Meg's room and Peter's criminal record. Swept straight under the rug.

"Yeah, we definitely should have bought the arcade version," Chris said. Meg sighed.

"Maybe there's a cheat code or something online we can use."


	12. So We Ran

_Because I'm a stubborn shipper. :P That and I like the idea of Kevin getting in hot water because of his temper. Chip off the old block!_

*

When she heard Kevin had died in Iraq, Meg was understandably devastated. But three days after the funeral she found a note in her locker telling her to be behind the Mini-Mart at 10pm. With a suitcase.

"I swear if this is a prank or a rape set-up I'm gonna kill someone," she muttered. It sucked hard enough that the only guy she'd ever really loved was dead, the last thing she needed on top of that was being raped or having rotten coleslaw chucked at her. Just then, a man with bushy blonde hair, muttonchop sideburns, sunglasses and a mustache approached.

"I guess you're the one who left the note," she sighed. "Get it over with so I can go back to moping in my room in the dark, okay?"

"Meg, it's me!"

Her heart almost stopped. That voice...

"Kevin?!" She pulled the sunglasses off and sure enough, there he was. "But your dad said you died! They had your funeral and everything!"

"It wasn't me, though," Kevin said. Meg raised an eyebrow.

"What happened, they mistook someone else's body for yours or something? Or are you officially missing and everyone thinks you're dead?" she asked.

"Not exactly." Kevin smiled sheepishly. "Long story short, I pissed off some Iraqi government officials and...had to fake my death. I didn't want 'em targeting my family cause of my bad temper."

"So much for me bringing you back and lifting that burden off their shoulders, huh?" Meg laughed.

"Yeah. I might come back at some point and explain everything but right now I gotta live on the lam for a while," Kevin said. "And I was wondering...maybe you'd like to go with me?"

"R-really?!" Meg's eyes lit up, and she blushed. "I'd love to! Wait, but what about my family? I know I'm not exactly the favorite kid, but they're gonna notice I'm missing after a few weeks," she pointed out.

"I already sent a letter pretending to be from some off-shore island's mental facility. Told 'em you had a breakdown and needed to get away for a while," Kevin explained.

"That works, but can I at least tell Connie and Chris the truth? I mean, lying to my folks is one thing, but our friends deserve a little better," Meg said.

"Good point," Kevin conceded. "We'll call the gang as soon as we've settled someplace."

"Awesome." Meg smiled, then threw her arms around him. "Welcome back, Kevin. You don't know how happy I am you're alive."

He kissed her, and they headed for the bus stop.


	13. Crisis Averted

"Hey hey _hey!_ We need those marshmallows for the yams, people!"

Meg made a face and stuffed the marshmallow into her mouth. Normally she would take Brian's admonishing and put it back, but he'd been a total stress case all morning.

First, he'd mocked Meg and Anna's idea of making Thanksgiving dinner as "cliche sitcom kid crap" (though Chris assured her he just didn't want any witnesses when he humped the turkey, which was decidedly worse). Then he'd made a big deal about keeping 911 on standby (well, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing because Stewie was liable to blow something up).

Now, when they were actually doing a decent job, he was flying off the handle and scolding them for minor transgressions.

"Chill out, Douchey McLiberal," Stewie said with disdain as he measured explosive ingredients. "We're kids, let us have a little fun."

"Yeah, I mean, look at this." Kevin pointed to the mostly-clean kitchen and dishes that were shaping up to look like they were supposed to. "We may have thrown together a cliche Kids Make Thanksgiving Dinner plot that actually _works!_" he said.

"And we've got like five bags of marshmallows," Connie added, popping several into her mouth and chewing noisily. Brian sighed.

"I guess you're right. Sorry, guys, but I remember the_ last_ time you gave Lois a break and tried to make dinner," he said. "Remember? We were picking bits of spinach off the ceiling for a month? And Peter tried to use the electric fan and razor blades to peel the potatoes?"

"Ick, don't remind me. I kept thinking he might accidentally slice someone's hand off!" Meg shuddered.

"But we were just kids back then!" Chris said. "Stewie was only a year...old. Oh, wait."

"That's right, Chris, we could always use another lampshade in here," Stewie muttered sarcastically. "Not like we've got a whole closet full of them already."

"And this time," Meg said, "we have our friends to help us out!" She smiled around the room at Kevin, Neil, Anna, Cleveland Junior, and Connie.

"Well..." Brian smiled. "Okay, you win. You kids can sure do a bang-up job when you actually put your minds to it. Or ban Peter from the kitchen. But seriously, quit eating the marshmallows already! And Stewie, take all those bullets out of the stuffing this instant!"

Meg shot Anna a panicked glance, and the two of them quickly shoved the rest of Stewie's arsenal under the sink.


	14. Stupid Car

Of _course _the whole family would bond over trying to fix the car and ignore her. Granted, everything Meg knew about auto mechanics she picked up from hearing Kevin talk about it, but still.

...then again, given the way her mother was yelling at Chris right now she was probably better off. And her father wasn't helping either with his usual sexism, and poor Brian looked like he needed a drink stronger than God himself could mix.

Finally, Meg got out of the car and spoke, not caring if she got shouted down yet again.

"You know, we could have been out of here ten minutes ago if we'd called Triple A! Or maybe taken some of the crap out of the trunk, that might be weighing it down," she said.

"Hey, no one is moving my stash of potato salad!" Peter yelled, opening the trunk and taking a spoonful. "Aaah, that's good car salad!" Lois looked vaguely disgusted.

"You...you actually _filled the trunk_ with that stuff and you're eating straight out of there?"

"Oh, that is just gross," Stewie scoffed. Meg growled.

"_Call for help!_"

"For God's sake, Meg, stop being such a complainer and go sit in the car!" Lois snapped. "You're just in the way!"

"Yeah, _Meg_," Peter chimed in. "You're a poopy-head and no one likes you!" He bent over, farted right in her face...and she snapped. With a scream of aggravation, she gave the car a good kick and yoinked Peter's wallet off the dashboard.

"Fine," she said, "you can sit here and act like assholes all night and freeze in the rain, but I'm calling a cab. And Dad, I'm charging it to _your_ credit card!"

"No, Meg, you can't!" Peter yelped. "No, really, you can't, I got no money left in the bank after buying a cattle ranch."

"That's your problem, then." Meg called for a cab, which arrived promptly. But to her surprise, just as she was about to get in Stewie jumped onto her head.

"Enjoy your deaths! I'm riding in the nice warm cab with Meg!" he taunted. "Besides, I don't care to ride the rest of the way home next to Sir Smelly Dog Farts."

"Least I don't crap in my pants," Brian shot back. The cab sped off leaving a guilty Lois, a surprised Chris, a pouting Peter and an annoyed Brian behind.

"See what happens when you push people too far?" Brian said. "You guys had it coming."

"Oh, I shouldn't have yelled at her," Lois sighed.

"What am I gonna do, Lois?! She's gonna get me in trouble with the bank!" Peter began to panic. "They'll take my thumbs, Lois!!"

"Guys, is it just me or did that cab driver look like Farrah Fawcet with a mustache?" Chris asked.

*

"Say, Meg?"

"Yeah?"

"Do cab drivers...y'know, _take_ credit cards in this state?" Stewie asked. "I looked through the Fat Man's wallet and he's got like twenty bucks, and only five of it's inot/i Monopoly money." Meg cringed.

"Oh, crap! If he doesn't take credit cards we're screwed!" she moaned. "I guess we'll find out when we get home...hope he doesn't expect sexual favors for payment."

"Oh, I'll take care of that if he does," Stewie said. Meg gave him a look.

"...I hope you're kidding, Stewie. I really do."

In the end, the card was rejected and the cab driver made Meg and Stewie shine his white disco loafers. All thirty pairs.

The rest of the Griffins got home before things went from bad to worse, but not before a moose picked a fight with Brian and Chris mistook several bums for celebrities. Lois finally made Peter get rid of the potato salad and the bank repossessed the cattle ranch. But they let him keep his thumbs, which made him happy.

When they asked Meg and Stewie why they were tired and smelled of shoe polish, Meg just said she never wanted to see another pair of white loafers again.


	15. The Trouble with Spinoffs

**"Team Quahog Maximum BLAMMO! Three guys, two chicks, a baby and a dog embark on a series of intergalactic worldwide adventures to keep the planet safe! Or kick the crap out of idiots, whichever comes first. Join hero Kevin Swanson, his trusty second Meg, big funny guy Chris, smart-aleck Neil, hyper-intelligent Stewie, cool Brian and Connie, the chick."**

Connie glared at the script in annoyance.

"Excuse me? Why am _I_ 'the chick', Meg's a girl too!"

"Well, Meg can fight," Brian said.

"Actually," Kevin pointed out, "the chick is usually the moral center and Connie's a whore." Connie made an offended noise.

"Meg! Your boyfriend called me a whore!"

"Kevin, lay off her. Even if she kinda is that's no reason to be a dick to her," Meg said. "And...she can fight. Sorta. She knows how to insult people anyway."

"Do we really _need_ another girl on the team?" Stewie asked. "At least Meg qualifies as a lethal joke character, everyone picks on her but she can kick their asses. Connie's just dead weight, all she's good for is fanservice."

"Oh, shut up, baldy! At least I don't need someone to tie my shoes and dress me every morning!" Connie snapped.

"_That's_ what we need her for," Brian said, "to put the brat in his place. I mean, I can't always be the one to do it, I've got a life too!"

"Fuck you, dog," Stewie grumbled.

"I say we keep her," Chris said, "all adventure shows need their fanservice and, well, Meg's my sister."

"It's settled, then, Connie stays," Meg said.

"Good. Hey Goldman, how's the design for the team's ship coming along?" Kevin asked. Neil grinned and took out a set of blueprints.

"The Starship BLAMMO! uses the basic design of the _Enterprise_ from Star Trek and the interior layout of the God Phoenix from_ Science Ninja Team Gatchaman_, but has all the firepower of the Death Star and can take on the shape of a humanoid robot much like _Voltron._"

The others gave him a series of annoyed looks.

"Try again, Neil, this time with a few less blatant ripoffs. We don't want to get sued before the show even hits the air," Brian said.

"Oh, come on! These are classic designs, they're practically public domain!" Neil protested.

"But there's zero originality," Meg said. "You might as well name it the Mystery Machine to complete the pastiche."

"Yeah, personally I think we ought to just rename the show _A bunch of unimaginative teenagers who can't come up with their own idea and steal others_," Stewie deadpanned.

"That's not true! Chris's designs for our battlesuits are completely original!" Meg argued. Chris nodded, glancing proudly at the finished designs for the team's uniforms.

"Um, why do mine and Meg's have miniskirts and keyhole necklines? And why doesn't mine have as much armor as Meg's?" Connie asked.

"Fanservice. Useless fanservice," Stewie reiterated. Connie smacked him upside the head, he called her a bitch, and the arguing began anew.


	16. Fans Are Crazy

_The breakout hit Team Quahog Maximum BLAMMO! has barely been on the air a year, but the shippers have already gone on a rampage. Even with two official couples, some HoYay and LesYay and plenty of ship tease, no one is satisfied...then again, this is fandom we're talking about. Hang on, this could get long._

_* Chris/Connie shippers are by far the worst of the bunch. First they branded Connie's nerdy Stalker With A Crush Neil a creepy sleazebag and many C/C fics involved him nearly raping her only for Chris to come to the rescue. (Yes, the guy may be a pain in the ass and his courtship methods leave a lot to be desired, but he's also a decent guy underneath) But the more infuriating example would definitely be poor Anna, the vet assistant who joined the team mid-season. In the trailer for her debut episode she was seen screaming for Chris, and they cried Damsel Sue. When it turned out she was yelling at him to get away from the lava and subsequently rescued him, they called God Mode Sue. And now it seems she'll be Chris's official girlfriend...we're looking at another IchiRuki vs. Ichihime, folks. On the flipside, the more rabid Chris/Anna shippers are bashing Connie as The Vamp with a wicked case of Skater Boy Syndrome who would do anything to hurt Anna. Connie/Neil shippers also tend to paint Chris as an ignorant child who confuses a stalker-ish obsession with "true love"._

_* Next up, we have Meg/Kevin fans. While they're usually a decent bunch, some notorious shippers are overprotective Meg fans who use her nemesis-turned-comrade Connie as a villain in their stories. Others bash Neil for still hitting on her from time to time, calling him "geeky boywhore" and other nasty names. On THAT flipside, we have shippers of Meg/Neil who think Kevin's return in episode 3 was "just another excuse for the producers to keep the nerds from getting any" and bash him as a musclebound JerkAss._

_* Then there's the ongoing War Of Stewie's Sexuality. Stewie/Susie fans hate people who insist he's gay, Brian/Stewie and Bertram/Stewie fans hate people who say he likes girls at all. Then there are plain Shipper Haters who think the shippers are "disgusting degenerates" for shipping babies at all._

_* Finally, there are the slashers. Kevin/Neil fans bash Meg and Connie, Chris/Neil fans bash Connie and sometimes Anna, Meg/Connie and Connie/Anna fans bash all three of the boys. Meg/Anna shippers are surprisingly calm despite them having the most easily shippable scenes in the series. The biggest arguments they have with Chris/Anna and Meg/Kevin is who tops in their foursomes._

_And let's not even go into people who ship the team with recurring Drop In Characters or one-episode wonders._

"...wow. Forget drugs, alcohol, prostitution and drive-by shootings,_ this_ is the real danger of being a famous TV star," Meg said with a shudder. "I think we owe Brian an apology, he warned us this would happen if the show hit it big."

"Well, I for one am _immensely flattered_ by this attention...well, most of it, anyway." He made a face. "Sadly, the price of being a handsome face on TV means people just love to make you gay in their fanfiction."

"I just hope we never run into these crazy shippers in real life," Anna said. "Especially the ones who keep writing filthy porn about us!"

*

Meanwhile, Quagmire sat at his laptop, putting the finishing touches on his latest epic: _The adventures of Meg, Anna and Connie in the Jello Pit._

* * *

_So kids, the moral of today's story is...TVTropes is an evil addicting thing that will eat your soul. Goodnight everybody! =D_


	17. How to survive a nuclear apocalypse

Most kids cried and got depressed when their parents died. But the Griffin children were too busy fleeing for their lives when the world exploded in on itself, taking 90% of the population with it.

It all started when Peter tried to break into a zoo and ride a goat. He'd ended up crashing into the local meth lab and it had all gone to hell from there. Rocks fell, people died, things blew up, pants fell down, all that stuff. They hadn't even looked back to see if anyone had survived except for them.

But Mom and Dad were definitely dead. Mom had screamed for them to save themselves just before she and Dad were crushed by a falling bathtub.

On one hand, being orphaned sucked. On the other hand, Peter and Lois sucked. So it was hard to be too sad about their demise.

She did worry about Brian, though. He'd run barking down the street the moment all the sirens went off and they hadn't seen him since.

"Meg, I'm hungry," Chris whined. For once, she didn't have it in her to scold him. She was hungry, too.

"We'll have to keep going until we find someplace that's not a pile of ashes," she said. "Just hang in there, or eat your pocket lint."

"Noooo! I've gotta save that in case we need money," Chris argued. From his perch on her shoulder, Meg heard Stewie make a disgusted noise.

"Yeah, I guess I missed that CNBC special about selling _pocket lint_ for cold hard cash. Oh, and by the way, I hate to be a bother but I think I'm cutting a new tooth and it hurts like hell." Meg groaned.

"Okay, then, we need food _and_ teething rings. And other stuff...personal stuff."

"Meg, are you having your period?" Chris asked.

"Not yet, but according to my calendar it's supposed to happen this week." Weird, talking about her period to her idiot teenage brother didn't seem so embarrassing now. Probably because no one else was alive to hear it. "We should make a list."

"Probably a good idea, can we put armor-piercing bullets on that thing?" Stewie asked. "Cause we're gonna need them when other survivors try to steal our shit."

"What other survivors?! Everyone else got squished!"

"Chris, Stewie, calm down. Look, the mini-mart's still open. Maybe Carl's alive, and if he's not we can just take the stuff we need. Not like the cops can do anything about it now."

-x-

They took whatever the store had left, which wasn't much. They ate candy bars and jerky for dinner, Meg changed and fed Stewie and they slept in the alley behind where the bar used to be.

Sometime during the night, Brian showed up. Meg thought one of them had peed themselves first until she recognized the smell of wet dog. For once in her life she was glad to smell it, and Brian was happy to see them. For about five minutes.

"Okay, so now we've got to-"

"Brian, Meg's in charge," Chris said. Stewie frowned.

"Um, yes, and she's doing a fine job but Brian is clearly older and wiser and should be our commander."

"You're just saying that cause you've got a boner for him," Chris said.

"Oh yeah?! You've got a boner for Meg!"

"I do not!"

"_Stop it!_" Meg and Brian both shouted, Meg rubbing her temples and Brian biting his fist.

"How about we're both in charge and that's that. We can't stop to fight over stupid shit every five minutes," Brian said. "Now look. I heard there's some survivors in Natik, where that Twinkie factory used to be. If we can get enough food, water, blankets and other supplies and meet with them, we should be in the clear."

"Right." Meg nodded. "I think Superstore USA's still standing, so we should look there for blankets. And a first aid kit, it's gonna be dangerous if someone gets hurt or sick along the way."

"Good thinking. And Meg, you've had training as a doctor," Brian remembered.

"Um, this is really cute and all, but what makes you so sure _we_ can get to Natik without a fuss? I mean, this is _us_ we're talking about," Stewie said bitterly. "The whole family was fucking disintegrating before the world exploded, you know."

"He's got a point. I mean, Mom and Dad didn't exactly give us much in the way of survival skills," Chris sighed. "The last thing Dad said to me was something about how my farts weren't as cool as his farts." Meg felt a momentary sting of bitterness towards Lois and Peter and their neglectful ways before she pushed it aside.

"But that doesn't mean_ we_ can't do it. In fact, it's all the more reason we've gotta survive! We've gotta show the world we can rise above Mom and Dad's shitty parenting!" she said. "And besides, we've got Brian. He's been more of a parent to us than Mom and Dad ever were. Sure, he's a pompus alcoholic asshole, but he's also smart and clever and always thinks ahead!"

"Gee, thanks," Brian muttered, but his tail gave a wag nonetheless. "And Meg's right. We can do this, all it takes is a little elbow grease and some thinking." Chris and Stewie thought it over for a moment before they grinned.

"Okay! I believe in us!" Chris said.

"You're right. I mean, Lois is _dead!_ Sure, I didn't get to do it myself, but she's dead so that's already a step in the right direction!"

They formed a circle, placed their hands on top of each other and then raised them with a cry of determination before heading on down the road to the nearest used car lot. They could do this, whether they reached Natik or a whole other place they'd get through this and live to tell about it.


End file.
